I think I fell off the deep edge!

Whoa! I have not posted in nearly a month!  What on earth is going on?!  Not only have I not posted, but I haven't been sewing, or crafting, or eating right, or exercising either.  I have also been going to bed really early... like right after I put Ava down.  If there is a silver lining in all of this, at least I have kept up with my Goodreads challenge.  On the days I don't go to bed at 7pm, I have been reading quite a bit.  Truth be told, reading is my favorite thing to do when I get overwhelmed.  There is nothing better than cozying up with a good book and letting the characters take you away.  Usually, the more stressed I am, the less cerebral my reading material becomes, and these past weeks have been no exception.

But... I think I am ready to be back again.  The weather is getting nicer, I feel the desire to exercise and eat right, and although I still have the need to read novels that will take me away from the things I don't want to deal with right now... I think I can start going to bed at a normal time, and make some time for crafts as well :)

Of course, I must leave a gratuitous picture of Ava... and I have to say, even though I am her mommy and I am the one who takes care of her, sometimes my little almost 17 month old takes care of me too.  She just doesn't know it!  I love watching her run to the door when she sees me walk up to pick her up from daycare.  I love how she comes to sit close to me just to be near me when she plays, I love how she makes silly faces now, just to be funny, and how she hugs me and says "Awww!"  Having my wonderful family is really what it is all about!

Big Mini-Goal #1

Do you have a picture in your head of what you look like?  I do...

Me in San Francisco for our "Mini-Moon"- 2006

And still on our Mini-Moon, in Sonoma Valley

 Unfortunately, the "me" I see, is not the me anyone else sees.  The funny thing is that I was so disappointed in myself for being at this weight when I got married... and now I would give about anything to be back here again... even though it is far from my ideal, or even a healthy weight.
 
One of the things I NEVER do is take full body pictures of myself.  In fact I avoid pictures of myself whenever possible, because I am embarrassed about where I am at right now.  Pretty sure I am going to regret this at some point because I would love some more mommy and baby photos.  One thing I plan to do is take full body photos of what I look like right now... which I will share at some point.  Just not yet.

My goal right now? It is a big "mini" goal.  Get back to my weight from 5 years ago.  Even though it is still not my ideal, it does include losing about 20% of my current weight... enough to be medically significant, and enough to make myself feel quite a bit better about myself.

So.  I have my eating plan down and decided on... next up... the workout plan!

Thanks to those out there encouraging me along the way!

Christmas Prep Take One!

Grr... I am trying to make 3 desserts and a veggie dish for upcoming family Christmas parties this weekend. Which resulted in me going to the store at 11pm like this...

With blue flip flops on, and in my Christmas jammies.  Without my hair brushed.  Who have I become?

And why, you may ask?  Because I was in the middle of making this delicious Candycane Cheesecake Cake (from Southern Living), when I go to check on Ava and forget it in the oven.  So my beautiful cheesecake layers now look like this:

I love when I spend hours on food prep and it doesn't work out.  Now not only do I have to stay up till all hours in the morning, but I also have everyone at Dominick's thinking I completely gave up on life.  Haha!  Oh well! Tis the season!

Here are a couple of more disasters from today:
What happens when you try to whip cream while holding the bowl since the mixing bowl was in use.

And whole wheat pretzel rolls that didn't rise since I was supposed to use INSTANT yeast... active does not equal instant.

I should have thought of this ahead of time.

I found one thing harder than initially starting this cleanse and enduring the dry taste of the protein powder (until you get used to it... and then weirdly start to like it).

Being on the cleanse while weathering psycho carb craving roller-coasters because it is "that" time, and all I want is a loaf of bread.

Seriously, I feel like a crazy person.

And then, today was our program's Christmas celebration, and so there were cookies everywhere I turned. Ugh. I need someone to slap me back to reality. I'd ask my husband but he is vacuuming right now. Yes at 7:45 at night. And that is sort of refocusing where I want that slap to land (I am resisting making a winky face here).

Anyway, excuse my little rant... But I am not looking forward to my Sunday weigh in, because usually I gain a few during these days. Not the motivation I am needing! Especially with all of the Christmas parties and family get togethers next week.

And speaking of motivation... Writing about how I am feeling, and receiving the comments and words of encouragement has made all the difference. It is hard to go about this process when feeling like you are doing it all alone! So this is my thanks to those of you that have been encouraging me and trying to make things easier for me these past few weeks!

You Go Girl! Struggling Through Day 17

Yep.  You Go Girl!  This is what my Dad had my mom text me on my way to work out this evening.  It always strikes my funny bone when he takes on valley girl slang.  And after being around my sister and I for all these years, he has some pretty choice terms down for the times we need a little smile.

I think today, that is exactly what I needed.  A little pick me up to let me know that someone is in my corner.  Because despite all the success I have been having, today was a real struggle.  I am wondering if this is partly because I may have accidentally ate sugar?  I went out to that great little shop that I ate at this past Friday... in hopes for more Hearts of Palm Salad.  Unfortunately it was difficult to find something that was "legal" on my plan.  I settled on 3 items that did not appear to have dairy or breading in it, and had their Asian Coleslaw (minus the peanuts, it had no mayo or dairy), Caprese Salad (minus the mozzarella), and Lentils.  After eating part of the coleslaw, I realized the sweetness was more than just due to a special vinegar... and that I probably just ate sugar.  Drat.

Then I tried the lentils, and though I asked, they seemed a little creamy and salty... so then I wondered if I ate butter too... and then my old, "well I already messed up the day, so maybe I should just ____ (insert eat something deliciously naughty here) since I blew it" reared its ugly head, and I have been fighting the mental battle all day.

But I made it home, and made it through dinner.  And because I felt like I messed up, I also worked out for longer than I had planned.  And though today sort of stunk mentally... I am proud of myself for sticking to it in the face of a potential "mess up", and for overcoming those mental barriers that are always there ready to bring me down.

Sneak Peak

Wow. Today is day 12 of a detox plan I wasn't so sure I could do. I didn't start this plan with my whole heart into it... I was at more of a "we'll see" kind of commitment level. And now I have made it through 12 days of no bread, barely any grains, no dairy, and no sugar.

It is funny, I used to watch The Biggest Loser because it really is inspiring at times. And the trainers would always show the contestants that they CAN do ANYTHING...that they are the only ones standing in the way of themselves. I have found that to be true.

So far, I have shown myself that I can get full on veggies and fruit. That I can eat fruit for dessert and be completely satisfied (especially if I have one of my new loves... Persimmons), that I can drink 64 oz or more of water a day without having to pee every five minutes, that I can have fun at a party without a glass of wine, that I can make it through parties without feasting on sweets and cheese... and that I don't always have to wait until tomorrow to take steps towards fulfilling my goals.

So this morning I hopped on the scale to take a sneak peak of where I was at... I was curious since I changed to the Green Food capsules and am now able to have fish an chicken. And I had a smile on my face. I don't want to reveal until my official weekly weigh in, but so far I think I am going to be a happy camper!

Do you ever have one of those days?

I think I cheated. I convinced myself that popcorn popped on the stove was ok... Because I can have corn and oil. And because I am feeling a little blegh.

Do you ever have one of those days where even though you try, it still isn't enough? Those days where you run errands on your lunch, stay at work a little late to get things done, care for the dogs, make dinner while holding your baby, feed your daughter, eat standing up, unload the dishwasher, attend to your baby, give her a bath, play silly games, answer "what's that", wrestle her to get jammies and a diaper on, care for her raw rashy heiny, read books, pick up the cabinet contents that were emptied on the floor... And it still isn't enough?

Because you still haven't finished cleaning the kitchen, you made too big a mess making dinner, when you were sautéing it splattered on the stove, you still haven't gotten to the rest of the toys strewn about the floor... and despite all you have tried to do, you still end up disappointing.

And now you feel a little down. And so you make excuses... And instead of feeling better...you end up disappointing yourself too.