Friday, July 20, 2012

A Weight Off My Shoulders {part two}

Sorry this is a little long... but I have had an epiphany recently... and feel like writing about my true thoughts and feelings is the only way I can overcome my weight obstacles.

I can finally say I have issues with food.  And I always have.  I have always, always had body image issues.  I can specifically remember thinking how fat I was in these photos when I was in High School (on my 1200 calorie/day, 10 grams of fat diet)...

And as I have gained weight... it is like I have just not been willing to do something about it anymore.  I have wanted others to look at ME and see that even though I am overweight... I am still worthwhile.  I am not "less", or "wrong", or "bad", or "gross".  I wanted to be appreciated for who I am and not what I look like.  But more about my inner craziness another day.

My recent success to be 100% truthful... wasn't even my idea.  I was all ready to NEVER eat bad food again, and only eat lean protein, fruit, and veggies.  I was explaining why I couldn't have a bite of a frosted cookie I brought for my nephews when my sister, Claire, in her quietly supportive way, said to me, "Why don't you just let yourself have a small piece?"  I told her that I felt I was only successful if I was severely restrictive in my diet.  And she said to me... I swear this was one of those Aha! moments for me... "But so far it doesn't seem like that has been working for you."

You could have knocked me over with a feather... and those words have really stuck with me.  I have written posts about how I need to change the way I think, and have even had some progress with that, but it just never resonated with me until she said that.  It isn't a matter of me being weak, or not having a will power... but those "I will start tomorrows" and those strict "I can only eat this and this" that doesn't last, not to mention those days of eating every "bad food" in sight in order to "get it all out of the way" have all stemmed from this thought that the only way I can loose weight is if I am PERFECT in the way I eat, all the time.  But nobody is perfect.  And that unattainable need to be PERFECT, has been at war with my other need to be ACCEPTED for who I am, for the past 8+ years.

Allowing myself to eat the foods I enjoy, so far, has allowed me to find the strength to start now, rather than tomorrow, eat a slice of pizza without the guilt and feeling ruined, and has helped me to actually want to work out... I feel like this is different... the anxiety isn't there as much, and I think, I think, I am finally ready to change.


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